mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
