There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
