i just wanna soil my oats bro
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
