So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
