Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
