Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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