Rock
Scissors
Fuck
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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