2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
