The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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