all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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