new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
It's rum buckets o'clock
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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