And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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