My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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