Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
