about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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