Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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