1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
