Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
