did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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