Umm I'm too high to move.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
