Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
