dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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