Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
