So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
