3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's great music for shaving your balls
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
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I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
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I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I need to sanitize my soul.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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