I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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