See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
