i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
