he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
