I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
