we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
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