I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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