u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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