just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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