just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
