This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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