my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Randomize
