I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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