My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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