So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
