I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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