Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
