This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
That accounts for only three of the penises
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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