Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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