He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she looked like the before picture.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
