i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
