Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Pants are for mortals
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize