"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
