What did we do last night that was yellow?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
