dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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