It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
