i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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