Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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