We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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