got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
