Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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