on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
