My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
