you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
