I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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